Maudlin me

[angelchicken]

There are many things that I will never be able to understand. Dumb things, complicated things (see: physics. Also how wireless internet works) all sorts of things. Just, you know, stuff.

And then there's my dad.

I was thinking of this tonight on my way home. I just don't understand that he died. Specifically, that he died fifteen years ago next week.

Fifteen years. That's almost half my life which means it's more than half of my sister's life and *much* more than half of my brother's life.

I don't understand how I've lived for this long without him. I mean, I understand the basics of it: if I didn't live I'd die. Black and white, sure, but for a long time the only reason I lived was because the option was too horrible and I would never, EVER do that to my family. There is a whole thing that happened in college that I still can't talk about because it makes me so mad but the outcome is that even though I met some of my favorite people in the world there and even though I did go for four years (in part to show them) that school will not see one dime while a the President is still President and I don't care that he's a Jesuit and what all, he can rot for all I care.

But I digress.

And, well, I don't want anyone to rot but he is about as close as I come.

Asshole.

ANYWAY.

Sixteen years ago I was a sophomore in high school and I lived with a girl, E, from Mississippi. E was troubled in several ways and she ended up leaving half way through the year which was for the best, certainly, but also kind of sucked because she was my friend and she basically said goodbye to GFS and was done with it, blamo.

Well, one of the reasons she was a mess, I firmly believe, was because he father was very sick. So sick that he needed a heart transplant. Fifteen years old, a child, really, and she is hearing that her daddy's heart doesn't work, isn't keeping him alive, and he's going to need a new one, which, by the way, might not keep him alive either. The whole time we lived together it was always there. Fifteen and she is going through this thing the HUGE thing in which her Dad was sick, so sick, and possibly dying and the only hope was that he wouldn't reject the new heart and live on for years healthy and new-heart happy.

I know he had the surgery and I feel like I remember him being okay. But that isn't the point.

The point is, there I was. Living with this girl and thinking to myself "what would I do? How could I live knowing that this was happening? How could I function if my dad was that sick?"

And I *had* been through it, to a lesser extent. My father *had* cancer. He had his thyroid removed and taken the radiation medication and been to the Mayo Clinic and the whole thing and gotten through it.

How lucky was my family.

And then, a year later, he died.

All this time everyone was terrified and checking on and worried about and caring for E and really, really they should have been. It was completely correct.

But in the end, she wasn't the roommate who lost her daddy. At least not that year.

And I can't even type it. I don't know how to put it in to words, these two girls. One quiet and trying to keep the peace while silently thanking whomever that it wasn't her. The other sleeping around and playing the wild child and disregarding anything "safe" because what's safe when your dad needs a new fucking heart?

And, god. It's been almost fifteen years. A long fucking time. And I have lived. And I've been good and I've been obedient and I've been safe and I'm terrified to fly and terrified of being fired and always expecting the worst because then at least I won't be disappointed. I have panic attacks and I am stressed more often than not and I'm thirty pounds overweight and I'm only not when I am clinically depressed and I am tired and I can't be responsible about money and I'm scared of the number thirteen and I can't date and don't know how to be loved or how I am loved and care desperately about my family and friends and I can so easily slip into myself and there is so much that is so inherently me and so much that is a direct result of my dad dying and I don't know what is what and who is who and where they mix or even how, it's so tied together.

But I've lived. I have had a life, these past fifteen years. Because I didn't have a choice, the alternative was unthinkable, but also because if my dad were up there in heaven thinking that his death ruined my life he wouldn't be able to bear it. And I can't let that happen. I can't.

So I get on planes and move to New York and go to Ireland and act as a seat filler for the CMAs and go to happy hour and learn to grade diamonds and make friends and just try to fucking live because life is so, so short and I want to enjoy it all. I am sick of being scared and I know that just saying that won't change me, I know that I'll still be scared. But I need to take control.

Or I need to give up control.

I need to realize that there are things I CAN NOT control and that is okay. Just because I am not behind the wheel doesn't mean there is going to be an accident. Just because I am in debt doesn't mean I don't deserve to do fun things. And if I want the damn Cole Haan shoes or the iPod or WHATEVER, I am 31 years old and if I don't start actively living and enjoying my life now then when?

My father never put off being a parent. Never wanted to wait until the children were older. Well, I don't want to put off being his happy child.

And this might go nowhere.

But maybe it won't.

Maybe it will take time, but so what? I am trying, trying so hard, to make the effort to live and maybe, someday, it won't even be an effort. Who knows?

There is more. I was thinking about other things, like customers and anniversaries and feeling slighted and cheated and missing out on things – last night I got to joke that my sister's wedding was awesome because I didn't have to duck out of the room for the Father/Daughter dance. Sweet!

But I don't have the energy for that right now.

I just need to keep being the best me I can be.

My dad loved me just because I was me. The rest of my family loves me just because I'm me. Maybe I should work on that, too.

*nods*

Comments

[ladyforash.livejournal.com]

I think you're amazing.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

I think you are inspiring. You had a dream and you didn't let anything (like, say, a back injury) stop you from getting Ripper which is also SO BADASS!

Thank you.

[the-lbb.livejournal.com]

Lots & Lots of Hugs! TONS of people love you just because you're you!!! It's hard to love yourself though. I've heard it happens in your 30s. . .I'm still waiting.

I can't imagine the loss you suffered. Do you know anyone else who lost a parent in their childhood/teens? (Besides your siblings) Maybe it would help to talk to people who have been in a similar situation. Or if you don't maybe a support group? It's never too late. More hugs!

And for the record I'm not fond of the current university president either, for sillier reasons, though. And I'm pretty sure we're just a small dent in that list. I do have a credit card that I got there, that I recently found out gives money to the school. I still use it though, b/c it's good for my credit history! (and it's not really my money that they're getting) :)

Wait! More hugs!!!!

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

Oh, Lbb, it's okay. I get maudlin. I do. And this time of year is harder but I have done the support group thing and move on and it's alright I just, you know, hate it.

You are my most lovable frind in NYC and I am so lucky for you and I *adore* you and when I talk about the school with the douchebag president but the amazing friends you are in the top THREE (which, okay, there isn't a ranking. Just the three bestest) and I miss you terribly and I totally understand about the crappy card giving them money but no big. I don't even mind if other people like him. I just DON'T.

*hugs and love and hugs and love*

also,

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! Three years (and a few days. Yes, I am belated) and you and your man are one of my very favorite couples.

Love and love to you.

[the-lbb.livejournal.com]

Awww, thanks, for the anniversary love. LBC & I love you right back. You are our favorite couch-stayer-on-er. The card thing I just thought was kinda weird. After all those years I had no idea. I felt semi-swindled, even though it's not really my money they are donating. Oh well.

[chicken-cem.livejournal.com]

I can't believe how strong you are -- many people can't soldier on like this, and learn and grow and LIVE.

*hugs*

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I don't feel very strong- just kind of like me. Heh. I appreciate it. It's, you know, how can I not go on? I'm working on the living thing. Baby steps. =)

Thank you.

*hugs*

[devilpiglet.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad you posted about this. It's a part of your life that I never felt comfortable asking about, but I felt that it was most likely an integral part of the friend I see (too rarely!) before me today.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

It is a big part of me but I guess I can't make it all of me, you know? I'm glad I posted this, too, because it's something I can stick a pin in and when I am feeling like my life is wildly out of control I can come back to it and know that on this day I felt . . . something. Something good. And the feeling is always going to be there, I just need to find it.

Yes.

Far too deep for a Saturday morning.

And if you have anything you *are* curious about please feel free to ask. I just might go on and on and on in my answer. =)

Thank you.

[shadowlass.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie. *squeezes*

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

*loves*

Thank you.

[kopernik.livejournal.com]

My dad died when I was fourteen; we found out he had terminal brain cancer when I was twelve. It was HARD. There aren't words to describe how hard it was. So I sympathize with you very much. One thing that I keep coming back to is curiosity about what my relationship with him would have been like as an adult instead of as a child, especially since I was shutting down emotionally when he was sick because I just couldn't handle everything. I have a lot of regrets. It definitely sucks.

*hugs*

You deserve a treat of some sort, I think.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

1) I'm getting a facial in an hour. WIN!

2) Oh, god, it is so HARD. And I know, to an extent, except my dad didn't have brain cancer and that just sounds so scary and I can't even imagine. I shut down after he died. I zombied two years later. Dad's cancer was just so fast, too fast to really absorb. And I think about what it would be like to know him as an adult all the time. His office was (well, still is) two blocks down the street I work on now. We would have had lunch. Or maybe not. I mean, I don't know. And I was sixteen when he died so I feel, of my and my siblings, I am the one he may have seen hints adult in.

I don't know if I have regrets as much as just these little sorrows. Maybe they are regrets for what might have been. All in all it just sucks. Poor dads. Poor us. =(

But facial! Yay! =)

[kopernik.livejournal.com]

My best friend in high school lost both her parents while she was in college, first her father of a completely out of the blue heart attack and then her mother, who had been frail and sickly since birth and was never expected to reach adulthood. Bewildered doesn't even begin to cover her mental state at the time of her father's death. He was bringing in groceries and then he was gone. She said once that she finally knew how I felt, but really it was so different from what my dad went through. We spent some time discussing which is worse, fast or slow and degenerative. We found there's a strong argument in either direction.

Parents should not get sick, is what I think.

[caltrask55.livejournal.com]

You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing this with us. :love:

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you, Cal. I don't feel all that inspiring, just kind of like me. Which is okay, I suppose. And if me being me is inspiring then YAY! I'm glad for that.

Thank you for reading. It's just nattering, really, and who knows what'll happen in the future, but at least I had Thursday night and that was a moment in time I can always come back to. Maybe I'll inspire myself! =)

*love and love*

You know, you're a pretty inspiring person, too. Please know that I firmly believe that.

[jennlynnster.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing this.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading. It helped to just put it in print, I think.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for thinking I'm strong and brave. I don't feel it all that often, but it's nice to hear, certainly. Thank you for reading.

[abbieosaurus.livejournal.com]

Thank you for having the courage to share this. It really touched me.

As a nurse on a unit specializing in heart failure and heart transplant, your story about your roommate also really struck a chord with me. It's so interesting to get to know all of our transplant patients' families, especially the ones who have waited for a while for their hearts. We have one patient who is currently waiting after suffering a massive heart attack last fall. He has 4 kids and his youngest daughter is about 14. The family even brought in a copy of an essay she wrote for school about her dad and the night he had his heart attack and ended up emergently having a Ventricular Assist Device (VAD) placed and it was very interesting to read how she had perceived everything. Sometimes we get so caught up in the medical aspect of it all that we forget how everything effects the families on such a personal level. Their family is really awesome but I know it's a huge strain not having their dad at home and having to watch him wait for so long and develop lots of complications that have made his wait even longer. This man is such a great, funny, sarcastic guy and I don't know what I'm going to do if everything doesn't turn out ok for him. For better or for worse, we get very attached to some of our patients and this man reminds me a lot of my dad.

Weirdly enough, my junior year in college, two of my close friends lost their dads to cancer and another guy on our floor lost his dad suddenly in a car accident. It was a very hard year.

One of those friends got married right out of college and she had a mother/daughter dance at her wedding instead of the father/daughter dance. =)

Sorry to go on and on in your journal. It just was a very thought provoking entry and, apparently, I have a lot rolling around in my brain.

[abby20.livejournal.com]

I'm way, way late, but I think you are really, truly wonderful, and yes, both brave and inspiring. Trying counts for so much more than it sometimes seems to.

Thank you for sharing all that. ::loves::