Capturing little (and not so little) moments

[angelchicken]

Today was crazy.

Actually, this whole week has been uncharacteristically crazy for July, especially for a holiday week.

But it has been and there you go.

So I was at my desk this afternoon doing . . . something. And I glanced at the clock and noticed that once again a large block of time had passed without my even realizing it (Three o'clock? Really? When did that happen?) and that I had been quite busy all day and then I was blindsided by a totally spontaneous thought:

I'm good at what I do.

Really. I'm good at my job.

Now, maybe everyone else already knows that or maybe that is the thought of a rambling mad(wo)man, but I don't think so.

And having this thought, for any sustainable amount of time, doesn't happen with me.

At GIA I was told, flat out, that I was the second best prelim grader in the lab (I was very happy with this. Not a competition) and in my first review (after six months) I was told, also flat out, that I should have at least a goal of supervisor, something my reviewer never told people.

And still I knew that I wasn't good enough, wasn't going to get promoted, was going to be fired because I wasn't grading enough stones, wasn't getting the grades right, wasn't getting 90% plus on my monthly numbers, etc.

Then I was promoted, saw what the other prelims were doing and learned that actually, I really *was* good and, in retrospect, my supervisors were telling the truth.

How about that.

My point, after all of this ramble, is that even when explicitly told that I am good at something I still don't believe it.

I was a mediocre student, partially because I didn't try as hard as I should have and partly because I was afraid to ask for help because I knew I'd be told that my paper/report/answers were the worst the helper had ever seen. I am not confident in my abilities and haven't been in a very long time. I don't know when or why it happened, I just know that since college, and maybe even sooner, I have been pretty sure I was subpar in all of my efforts.

So this thought today- even if it's only today - this feels like some sort of breakthrough. I know this isn't the first time I've had this thought; I tell my diamond customers that I am confident in my knowledge of diamonds and that I never thought I'd be an expert in anything but I consider myself a diamond expert and sometimes I even believe it.

But I feel like maybe this is the first time I've had this thought and it's kind of sticking.

A little.

And maybe tomorrow I will hate myself and realize that I am totally delusional.

But tonight I kick ass.

And it feels fantastic.

~

I got a manicure after work. Red nails for patriotism. Or something. The color is OPI's "Vodka and Caviar". But we can pretend, for the next two days, it's Baseball and Apple Pie.

Comments

[chicken-cem.livejournal.com]

Good for you.

I don't know if it is a gender thing, but I feel the same way. People say I am smart, but I never believe it, not nearly often enough. I go around thinking I am stupid quite a lot of the time.

So if you are able to break out of that and actually appreciate your own worth, then you are have made a really significant breakthrough.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

I was wondering about the gender thing, too. But I went to an all girls high school and I was constantly reinforced with the idea that I was capable of anything and so I don't know where it would have come from (unless it's from society as a whole and large-scale oppression which is certainly possible).

I feel like even if this is a temporary feeling and even if tomorrow I feel like the most incompetent person on the planet, tonight I feel awesome which means I might feel awesome again and that is something to work towards.

Yes.

And thank you.

[nutmeg3.livejournal.com]

I think way too many women - myself included - feel the way you do, and we all need to combat it and hold on to the moments when the good thoughts come spontaneously. Go you!

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

I agree that we need to see that we have self worth because we *do* and and I am very happy with the sudden feeling of badassery. Because it isn't a comon thing and I need to cherish the thoughts when I have them.

And work on making them more of a regular thing.

Yes.

[fleetpete.livejournal.com]

GAAASP! You painted your nails Communist Red? That's like, antipatriotic, because ... well, we fought for independence from England, and then two hundred years later England and Russia were both our allies in World War II, so Communist equals Russian equals British equals Colonialist equals unpatriotic. J'ACCUSE!

http://www.petescape.com/music/SurfinUSSR.mp3

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

You don't know the half of it.

It's from OPI's Russian line.

I TAKE YOUR ACCUSATION AND EAT IT LIKE CANDY!

[fleetpete.livejournal.com]

http://www.petescape.com/music/anthem-sovietunion-1977-bolshoith.mp3

The sad thing is that i didn't have to look for this online; i already had it in my music collection.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

Ah, but your collection of Foreign National Anthems makes me hot.

HEY!

I am taking the blue line to Cumberland after work tonight and no one has gotten back to me to tell me that they will pick me up.

Will I be sitting in a foreign land sniffling because I am lost and afraid in the strange suburbs with no one to guide me?

If only I had confirmation that I was being retrieved!

*cough*that'sahint*cough*

[fleetpete.livejournal.com]

http://www.petescape.com/music/anthem-sovietunion-jazzy.mp3

What I tell people about you.

[thehappyluddite.livejournal.com]

Dude, seriously? Every time a conversation even REMOTELY surrounds jewelry and you're not around do you know what I do? I bust out the old, "my friend AC is a diamond expert AND she's also an expert in all the other gems, too. She knows everything about every rock that ever was on the planet." Everyone who hears this is wowed. As they should be. You handle diamonds all day, after all. And watches that include laser beams and sting rays and gps.

And. Also. In addition to that.

You survived Philip Sicker.

Need I say more?

Hugs.
You rock.

Re: What I tell people about you.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

!

Its true! I do with watches taht have laser beams and sting rays! And I do know diamonds and gems! I can't believe you are all boastful about me! You rock! I mean, no, I mean you rock like a rocking think and I can't thank you enough!

Oh, Professor Sicker.

I still think about him. With fondness. And awe.

I remember when I was working at the deli my junior year and he came in and remembered me and I was STUNNED! He was all, "How are you, Anne" and I was all, "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and it made me happy.

I love you!