Nattering

[angelchicken]

Things are not well. I mean, they're not bad, but they aren't good either. I don't know if it's too much is happening or not enough or too much of what I don't want to be happening but not enough of what I do, or what. But I'm not great right now. I have had three minor breakdowns in as may weeks. By breakdown I mean fall to the floor sobbing, feeling completely helpless and hopeless, nothing is going right and why do I even bother feelings of despair. And I don't even know when I have cried before the past few weeks. I mean, two weeks ago I had the "holy shit I was robbed" breakdown, and then last week I had the "holy shit my little sister has found the person she is going to send the rest of her life with and I am going to die alone" breakdown. Today was the "it just isn't ending and now the banks screwed up the changing of accounts so my roommates check bounced which means I have a $1685 rent check out there without the money to cover it and by the way, why are they holding $700 of *my* money hostage when that should have been no problem and had no freeze on it" breakdown.

And I was in a good mood today. I woke up feeling human. Then I call to check my balance and the money didn't make sense. And then when I called the bank the girl I got made no sense explaining it to me. And as it turns out she had no clue what she was talking aout either. Because when I called the bank directly they made it make sense.

And then I called my mom and just *sobbed* because I am so fucking tired. It is just never ending with *everything* and I keep saying how happy I am for Jenny because deep in my heart I am so jealous that and if I think about that then I will hate myself and I don't want to. And i have this GG and I am tired and feel like all I am doing is gaining weight (this week aside what with the stomach thing of misery) and I don't know if it's because of the sick or the pill or the stress or the lull in my life or what but I am on such tenderhooks these days and I *HATE* it. I am so sad all the time. And I'm lonely. And I wish that I had something to look forward to that was *mine* you know? I have six weddings this year. Six. Six couples and none are me.

I'm not good. And I know I'll be okay. And I know that I am in a funk because I have been in funks before. But I feel a little blindsided by this.

Also, crying quite a lot when you have just gotten over an unpleasant stomach bug that has people sending you home from work is just not a good idea. OMG so thirsty!

*comments disabled because of the emo.