The happier post- it's loooooong

[angelchicken]

I didn’t want the happy things to be mixed in with the negative ranting and plain ol’ bitching, so I am continuing in a more cheerful manner. Whee! Can’t you see my grin?

So. The other things I was going to say.

1) Yay! Tonight I am going to go see the lovely lovebytez art exhibit in downtown Manhattan. I am very excited, because not only will I hopefully be seeing love and Nauti and other LJ peeps, but I will also be getting out of the house in the manner of having a life. This makes me happy. I mean, I like going home and crashing after work, but it gets dull and lonely sometimes. And I couldn’t imagine there being anything dull about the exhibit tonight.

If anyone else is going, let me know. Maybe we can meet up.

2)

And now the bit about self depreciation and a touch on the loneliness.

I’m terrible at meeting people. For some reason, probably harking back to my childhood which was less than stellar, socially (my home life was pretty great), I feel like my mere existence is kind of an imposition on people. But I rarely feel that about other people.

For example: when I am on the computer at night and see people on my buddy list are on AIM, I rarely, if ever IM them. I feel like IMing them would be an imposition and that they probably wouldn’t want to talk to me anyway because I never have anything to say and I am probably pretty boring, besides. This doesn’t mean I don’t like getting IM’s. Even if someone IM’s me and I am busy or can’t talk, it doesn’t mean I don’t like hearing from them and I let them know that I can’t talk, but to please IM again later. I never IM back. Again, because I am sure that no one really wants to hear from me.

This sounds a bit like fishing, and it probably is. But it is also my mind frame.

Two more examples:

1) I didn’t speak for the first six weeks of first grade. I was painfully shy and didn’t know that many children and thought that no one would like me in any case. My teacher actually called my mom, concerned because I hadn’t opened my mouth. As time went on and I got to know people a bit better, I started taking more. But it took a while.

2) I went to boarding school when I was fourteen. About four months after I got there I was talking to one of my friends, and she told me that when she met me she thought I was a huge bitch and a snob as well because I didn’t talk to anyone. But it wasn’t that at all.

I just can’t market myself. I don’t know how to meet people. I feel bad calling up people who have been my friends for *years* because I don’t want to inconvenience them or impose myself on them. I don’t ask people to do things because I don’t think they will want to. Mentioning I was going to the Chicago Con was huge for me because I was convinced that people wouldn’t care if I was going or not. That is my mind.

This stems from basically my sitting down and taking stock in my life. I’m not dating. At all. I keep saying I want to try match.com or some such, but I keep thinking that no one would want to meet me because I don’t have much to offer.

This is part of the reason I want to move back to Chicago. My family can market me. They can help me to meet people and make more friends and possibly even find a boyfriend or even fuck buddy. There was a guy at the party on Saturday night (the hot Brazilian 24 year old) who was basically hitting on me, but I kind of convinced myself he wasn’t, so bye-bye, Brazilian.

Groan. Mostly, I am happy to be going to Love’s showing tonight because it is something for me to do that doesn’t involve television or reading or fic or any other solitary activity. It involves me interacting with others and I need that.

So. That’s my loooooong pity party.

And now onto the really wonderful television thingie!



Dude. Brian and Justin are the best couple since Spike and Buffy (and Lilah and Wes). They are perfecto and so, so in love even though Brian will never say it.

I watched the first four episodes of season two last night, and it was so worth the purchase. Poor Justin! With his hand and maybe never drawing again and stuff! And poor Brian. Everyone was thinking he was such an asshole what with the excessive drinking and drugging and whoreing, but these people are his friends. I can’t believe that they thought “Oh. Brian is acting more promiscuous than usual and is really abusing those substances. What a dick” instead of “Hm. Brian is abusing the substances and acting like a bigger slut than usual. Maybe watching his lover’s head get treated like a major league baseball had some lasting repercussions on him as well. Poor Brian. This must be hard on him”.

Stupid asshats.

Speaking of asshats, I have to interject that I care very little about Ted. And I find this kind of disheartening as I was so distraught when he went into a coma and hoped that he wouldn’t die. But as season one wore on Ted just became a filler character. Someone whose scenes were there to offer me bathroom and snack breaks. I am more apathetic about him than I am about the lesbians. At least they have Gus.

But back to the important people. There are a few scenes that I think are really some of the best soft core porn out there.

Brian and Justin tenderly making love at the end of ep. 2. Sweet *and* hot. Perfect. With Brian behind Justin so he isn’t overcrowded and the soft touching and the sweet kissing, I could tell that it was for Brian just as much as for Justin. That need to reconnect and know they are together. It was like an R-rated version of Spike’s “Every night I save you”; caring and loving and just there to be supportive.

Pardon me while I melt.

And then there is the scene in episode three when B & J (snerk) are walking down the street holding hands (just like Buffy and Spike in Something Blue!) and J is just clutching B’s arm. And then when some guy bumps into J and he gets really pissed, and Brian wraps his arms around him, kind of chiding, but with total love (dude. Brian is quite the smitten kitten) I was just in heaveeeeeen. I had to rewatch it before work this morning, it was so wonderful. And then when they get to the bookstore and J gets pissed off at the hypocrite author demanding an apology and B goes and says “And I’m thirty!” just cracked me up. So very Brian.

Have I mentioned I love this show? And I’m still melting.

The third scene that solidified the love for me, even more than the dancing and the parking garage (*sob*) was when Justin and Brian were on the street and Justin was walking to Brian. And when he finally reaches him Brian embraces him and gives him a huge kiss. Oh that was so, so perfect. Brian is so in love with Justin and they are so perfect together. So wonderful. I love B hiding behind the “public sex” excuse and you totally know J doesn’t believe him and you know that the audience doesn’t believe him either. Despite his best efforts, Brian Kinney is in love, *and* with his stalker (you hear that, ME) and it is so, so right.

I can’t wait to see what happens, except I know something big that happens and I am freaked because I don’t have Showtime and I don’t know how I am going to watch season 3. I need season three. Like a kidney.

God, I am so in love with this show. I love Mikey (and Yay for him leaving Dr. Dave. Stupid Dr. Dave) and I love Emmett with his uncontrollable sexuality (hee!) and I love Debbie and Jennifer (though it was touch and go there for a bit, what with the standing in the way of true love) and I adore and worship Brian and Justin.

Thank heaven for Brian and Justin.

And now I have to work. Bah.

Comments

[sunbrae.livejournal.com]

she told me that when she met me she thought I was a huge b*tch and a snob as well because I didn't talk to anyone. But it wasn't that at all.

I hear you, sweetie. My friend, H., told me when Mr. Sun and I first moved to IL, she thought I was a stuck up snob because I was distant and didn't talk. Only later, after she got to know me, did she realize I was actually terrified from being in a new church/town/job/home where everything and everyone was foreign. So I understand what you're saying. And I, too, am AIM shy. I've seen your name on my AIM list, but I always think you're busy or something. By the time I work up the courage to say hi, you've signed off. I'll try to say hi the next time I see you online. :)

Have fun tonight at Love's exhibit. :)

[eee1313.livejournal.com]

Okay, this has nothing to do with AC, but I have to comment. How cute are you, sunny, with your edited cut-and-paste job? I love that you won't even swear when you're quoting someone else. You are too cute.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

Please do! I would love to hear from you! And I know exactly what you mean. I am so, so bad in new situations, and I know there are people who are so extroverted and can come into a new situation blazing, but that is just not me. I so wish it was, though.

And I know you aren't in any way a b*tch or a snob (and, like eep, I love you for your edited cut 'n paste). I have so much respect for you and your convictions!

[adjrun.livejournal.com]

This is where I tell you that both of you are DUMB. Because you're both fabulous, fabulous women whom I consider myself lucky to know. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I got to meet you both in Chitown.

[dionneshea.livejournal.com]

Now I know why I score so high with you on the LJ compatibility quiz. You are me. I do the same things on AIM. I don't like messaging people because I figure they probably don't want to talk to me, but I love it when they message me (Nauti IM'd me once and I was convinced that she had hit my name by accident; of course, she was intoxicated, so that might have been the case).

In my grade 10 yearbook, a girl who is now one of my closest friends wrote, "I thought you were a bitch but it turns out you're just shy." And when I was in the remedial math class with the hockey team (yes, I'm that bad at math) five of them whom I had known for years said that they always thought I was a snob and were surprised to find I was just being quiet.

So I will say this about you. I find you interesting and funny and I would be quite excited if you IM'd me.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie! It is nice to know i am not the only one who feels the computer stress. There doesn't seem to be a set of manners when it comes to IMing and stuff and so I always freak out about being rude. But now I am going to become an IM junkie.

And I think you are also very cool, and I always look forward to your posts. I hope that someday I can get out to your neck of the continant and meet you and bit and brack in person!

[eee1313.livejournal.com]

Okay, you? You are awesome. Don't ever think that you're not good enough to talk to someone, or get with someone, or whatever, because you're cool. You're also really pretty, and funny, and nice. So you with the self-esteem issues? Stop that. Because you rock. :)

Really, though, you are great, and you do have a lot to offer. Don't be so down on yourself, hon. I understand the shyness and the not talking with people. But I don't get how you would think that you don't have a lot to offer someone. Because you do. I know I don't know you that well, but I know that I want to get to know you better. Combine that with your good looks, and I'm thinking that a lot of guys would feel the same way about you. I'm sure it must be hard (you sound like very much the introvert), but you have to convince yourself that you are worth talking to. Because you are.

And about the guy thing... Hey, there are a lot of us not dating. It has nothing to do with not having much to offer, and a lot more to do with not being able to find someone who has something to offer you back. Be selfish about it! Dating is a two-way street, so think more along the lines of what you want to get out of the deal than worrying about what you want back. Think about it this way: it's not about marketing yourself as it is about finding what you want. There's a reason why personals are in the back by the want ads -- it's because you want something. There's no advertisement in the back of the newspaper reading "AngelChicken on sale this week! Just 98 cents a pound!" There should, however, be one reading "WANTED: One guy. Nice, intelligent, friendly. Sense of humor a plus. Average appearance (with cute quirks like dimples) to major hottie required. Must not be a headcase/drug addict/felon. If this is you, please respond along with a list of your favorite movies/TV shows/music/animals/color to the following address." So yeah, you can't find a guy? Neither can I. Try something like match.com. You never know what you may get. As bigboobedcanuck said to me the other day, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Don't argue with the wisdom of Gretzky!"

(One last thing: if you do end up coming to Chicago, you know that you've got a friend in me, right? Because we are so gonna hang.)

[chicken-cem.livejournal.com]

oh my god, I ADORE your icon! Hilarious and cute all at the same time.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

You are so, so sweet. And I would totally count you in the "People to hang with, often" group should/when I move to Chicago.

And I am a total introvert, and even when I try to overcome it, it's still there. And it's nice to know I'm not alone. It sucks to be dating (#). Every time it comes up when I am talking to my mom, she mentions that every one she knows in my generation is haveing the same dating (#) problem.

Thank you for the nice words, though. Please know I feel the same way about you and really everyone on my friends list (or else I wouldn't friend them. Behold the power of the internet!).

It's just so sucky. I feel like all of my rl friends are dating (#) and meeting people and doing so well (which I know isn't really true, even if it seems that way) and I am still struggling. It's frustrating. But it's nice to know I have friends like you. :)

[reginaspina.livejournal.com]

Hello, cutie ::waggles eyebrows:: - I'm gonna head over to Love's exhibit this evening right after work, so I hope I'll see you there. I can't stay too long for the partay due to a prior commitment with my husband but at least I'll see ya for a few minutes. We can hang out and be shy together (yes, believe it or not, I was once a shy person. I grew out of it, what can i say?) :)

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

Yay! Someone to hang with! I'm so pleased. I don't know the edaquette for these type of events, but I assume the only people I know are going to be there, Love and Nauti, will be very, very busy.

[sodanyc.livejournal.com]

For example: when I am on the computer at night and see people on my buddy list are on AIM, I rarely, if ever IM them. I feel like IMing them would be an imposition and that they probably wouldn’t want to talk to me anyway because I never have anything to say and I am probably pretty boring, besides. \

Oh dude, I completely do this too. I always see people there, but I feel bad IMing them unless I know them pretty well. There are a few exceptions, but generally, I see people there, I consider IMing, and then I decide not to.

About four months after I got there I was talking to one of my friends, and she told me that when she met me she thought I was a huge bitch and a snob as well because I didn’t talk to anyone. But it wasn’t that at all.

Yup, I can completely relate to this too, as I've had more than one person say something similar to me. It always confuses me why people seem to confuse shyness with arrogance. Then the other problem is that when I start to talk, I feel like I just babble and make no sense whatsoever. Either way, it's of the suck.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

Then the other problem is that when I start to talk, I feel like I just babble and make no sense whatsoever.

Dude. I so empathise. I know I babble and then I feel like a jerk, even if I don't actually come off that way.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has this stress. And, if it makes you feel any better, I know you are fabulous. :)

[sodanyc.livejournal.com]

Aww, so are you sweetie:) And thank you.

[rocknrollgidget.livejournal.com]

Get out of my head! Don't tell me you also think that you're one of the people whose LJ posts get skimmed because you never say anything interesting. Not that I think that. *looks shifty*

Just think of all the cool people who are your friends - they must like you for a reason even if you yourself can't figure out what that is.

[angelchicken.livejournal.com]

Just think of all the cool people who are your friends - they must like you for a reason even if you yourself can't figure out what that is.

I loke that. It makes sense that people would be my friend because they like me, not out of any sort of obligation. What a nice thought. Thank you!

[effinfine.livejournal.com]

Hey there, I just followed you over from dry_witha_twist's lj....

And OMG! Like most everyone else who has commented here, I read this post and felt like we were quite.possibly.sharing.a.brain.

I have the whole shy thing going on, and yeah people often think I'm a huge bitch, and so on and so on. Plus the love/hate relationship with lj and AIM and the constant struggle between feeling like I'm so boring and feeling this obsessive need to post and wait like an eager puppy for replies. The whole deal!

Then there's the 'displaced person' syndrome - you NYC, me L.A. Big, impersonal cities. I've only been out here a year, and it's damn hard to make friends. I feel lucky to have a couple of close friends here, but it's just not the same as having friends and family right there to love you and value you.

Oh man, that's sad. Is it really that bad? Sometimes.

So rock on with your risk-taking self, I hope you had a swell time at Love's show. I'm going to be in NYC in a couple of weeks and I'll try to catch it then.

And, yeah, I'm friending you. You're so worth it!