(no subject)
Mar. 25th, 2007 08:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelchickenHello.
I've had a lovely 24 hours, I must say. Last night D+ and I stayed in and watched Die Hard which is always fun. And we ate frozen pizza and salad and didn't drink or anything. Just chilled. It was nice. Then today we slept in on and off until about noon and then went for a delicious brunch and a long walk through Lincoln Park and to the zoo which was crazy-crowded and kind of depressing, as zoos often are. After we had our fill of the animals we sat on a bench for about an hour and just people watched. It was nice. Then we came back to my place, had a nap, and he went off to places unknown (not really. His troupe was meeting up at a friends place. Bonding or something).
The weather was just lovely and the day was, too.
Tomorrow I work, but I have Tuesday off which is nice and I'm not working next Saturday which is also quite nice.
The apprehension isn't gone. It hasn't really abated all that much. I still stress myself out to the point of obsession, in some cases. Like the thing with the watch. That took way too much of my mental energy but I could not let it go. And I am so *so* quick to think the worst of everyone and every thing and I see myself doing it, and the low expectations thing, and I *hate* it and I can't make it stop.
This thing with D+ is good. But I don't know where we stand. I like him and he me- we've been dating for two months. Is he a boyfriend? I don't know. I mean, we talk often and hang out and have sex and like seeing each other. I am so afraid to project expectations on him, though. I mean, he says things like he's something of a misanthrope and he doesn't see himself ever having children (which was said in that he doesn't think he's responsible enough. Not that he hates them or anything) and I wonder if he's testing me or taunting me or maybe just telling the dame truth (novel!).
I just don't know how this works with the dating.
I am not always about to burst into tears, though, which I think is definitely in big part because of the Zoloft.
I don't know. Tomorrow is my first meeting with my new therapist (did I mention the student therapist I was with took a leave of absence from the program which sucks as I liked her quite a lot?) and I don't know quite how it's going to work. So I'm kind of stressed about that.
And this thing with my tooth is pissing me off. I will call my dentist tomorrow for sure. But I don't know when I can go in. I have plans on Tuesday including, but not limited to, lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a while, laundry and doing my taxes.
Oh, and money. I've got none of that. I have to find all of my bills and pay my rent, yo. I mean, I have enough to pay rent, but some bills will be late and I *hate* that because I feel like a failure. I hate being in debt and I am always stressed about money (I know, welcome to life).
I often feel like I am so far behind all of my friends who are married or with children or owning places or so successful. And here I am, plodding along. I mean, I rent a place I can't afford. I spend money I don't have dating a guy I can't say is the one (though, again, two months). I'm in a job where I am *seriously* underpaid and a little underappreciated, but I am always anxious that I am going to fuck it up and be fired or something. And Jeebus, I'm good at what I do.
And I am *so aware* of time. I don't want my time to run out. And I am always aching in my hips and back and my teeth are falling out (Well, tooth) and I have white in my hair a little and I am so not getting any younger.
I don't know. Sometimes I think I've made all of the wrong choices.
But I'm not unhappy. Just . . . restless, maybe? Unfulfilled? Bored?
My Second City class does rock, though. And I am having much fun with D+. I'm making a life for myself. I've met people and I'm not home every night and that's *good*.
I don't know. I just still feel off, I guess.
Weekends are much more fun when they are a full weekend, let me tell you. I didn't really mind going in yesterday, but there is something to be said about waking up on Saturday morning and knowing you still have one more full day off in which you can sleep in.
I do so love sleep. Until I am awake. Then I want to do stuff. I'm restless, yo.
xoxo and lovely weeks to all. I hope your teeth all stay in!
I've had a lovely 24 hours, I must say. Last night D+ and I stayed in and watched Die Hard which is always fun. And we ate frozen pizza and salad and didn't drink or anything. Just chilled. It was nice. Then today we slept in on and off until about noon and then went for a delicious brunch and a long walk through Lincoln Park and to the zoo which was crazy-crowded and kind of depressing, as zoos often are. After we had our fill of the animals we sat on a bench for about an hour and just people watched. It was nice. Then we came back to my place, had a nap, and he went off to places unknown (not really. His troupe was meeting up at a friends place. Bonding or something).
The weather was just lovely and the day was, too.
Tomorrow I work, but I have Tuesday off which is nice and I'm not working next Saturday which is also quite nice.
The apprehension isn't gone. It hasn't really abated all that much. I still stress myself out to the point of obsession, in some cases. Like the thing with the watch. That took way too much of my mental energy but I could not let it go. And I am so *so* quick to think the worst of everyone and every thing and I see myself doing it, and the low expectations thing, and I *hate* it and I can't make it stop.
This thing with D+ is good. But I don't know where we stand. I like him and he me- we've been dating for two months. Is he a boyfriend? I don't know. I mean, we talk often and hang out and have sex and like seeing each other. I am so afraid to project expectations on him, though. I mean, he says things like he's something of a misanthrope and he doesn't see himself ever having children (which was said in that he doesn't think he's responsible enough. Not that he hates them or anything) and I wonder if he's testing me or taunting me or maybe just telling the dame truth (novel!).
I just don't know how this works with the dating.
I am not always about to burst into tears, though, which I think is definitely in big part because of the Zoloft.
I don't know. Tomorrow is my first meeting with my new therapist (did I mention the student therapist I was with took a leave of absence from the program which sucks as I liked her quite a lot?) and I don't know quite how it's going to work. So I'm kind of stressed about that.
And this thing with my tooth is pissing me off. I will call my dentist tomorrow for sure. But I don't know when I can go in. I have plans on Tuesday including, but not limited to, lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a while, laundry and doing my taxes.
Oh, and money. I've got none of that. I have to find all of my bills and pay my rent, yo. I mean, I have enough to pay rent, but some bills will be late and I *hate* that because I feel like a failure. I hate being in debt and I am always stressed about money (I know, welcome to life).
I often feel like I am so far behind all of my friends who are married or with children or owning places or so successful. And here I am, plodding along. I mean, I rent a place I can't afford. I spend money I don't have dating a guy I can't say is the one (though, again, two months). I'm in a job where I am *seriously* underpaid and a little underappreciated, but I am always anxious that I am going to fuck it up and be fired or something. And Jeebus, I'm good at what I do.
And I am *so aware* of time. I don't want my time to run out. And I am always aching in my hips and back and my teeth are falling out (Well, tooth) and I have white in my hair a little and I am so not getting any younger.
I don't know. Sometimes I think I've made all of the wrong choices.
But I'm not unhappy. Just . . . restless, maybe? Unfulfilled? Bored?
My Second City class does rock, though. And I am having much fun with D+. I'm making a life for myself. I've met people and I'm not home every night and that's *good*.
I don't know. I just still feel off, I guess.
Weekends are much more fun when they are a full weekend, let me tell you. I didn't really mind going in yesterday, but there is something to be said about waking up on Saturday morning and knowing you still have one more full day off in which you can sleep in.
I do so love sleep. Until I am awake. Then I want to do stuff. I'm restless, yo.
xoxo and lovely weeks to all. I hope your teeth all stay in!
